CULTURA MASS-MEDIA

Cumanii & gugumanii

August 15th, 2007, com Un comentariu

Nici n-am ştiut, vreodată, că ne tragem din cumani. Nici nu mi-am în­chipuit. Mâine, o să aflăm că ne tragem din pecenegi. Istoria glisează sub ochii noştri. Eu, unul, mi-am închipuit, întotdeauna, că ne tragem din gu­gumani. Pen’ că gugumanii sunt peste tot. Mari farsori, mari gugumani. Noi, românii, ne tragem din farsori. Nu dăn cumani şi pecenegi. Nu dăn Decebal & Traian s.r.l. Păi, dacă te uiţi, pă oriunde, numa’ gugumani, fră- ţioare! Numa’ şi numa’ dăn ăştia. Care ştie or nu prea ştie limba română. Adicătelea pot să pronunţe corect Bordei, dar nu şi almanahe. Oricum, almanahe sună aşa, puţin, a dandanache.

A aldămaşe. A nivele de trai. Păi cum să crezi altfel, dacă vezi scandalu’ cu Parcu’ lu’ Bordei? Că ca asta e toată politica românească: între bordei şi bordel. Sau, cumva, tot pă drumu’ ăsta. Să aliară, nene, liberalii, iară, cu pesedeii (spun pesedei, aşa cum aş spune, bunăoară, decreţei) să le-o tragă la ăia democraţi. Să i-o tragă lu’ Videanu. Iar biet peticul ăsta de pământ a ajuns axis mundi. Bă, frate, auzi la ăştia, capete luminate, asta e problema naţională a României: parcul Bordei! Pe care cei optşpe-doujdămilioane dă oameni din afara Capitalei nici nu ştiu unde să-l plaseze pe hartă. Asta e culmea stupizeniei. Aici s-a atins culmea politizării. Mâine, o să ne trezim că Parcul Bazilescu devine cestiune naţională. în rest, ce să mai zici, ţi se întoarce stomacul pe dos: suntem o naţiune de vladmunteni, dă claudiiniculeşti, dă dianemuntene, ţaţe & coţofene. Dă elenebăsesciene & andreihrebenciuci. De-aia zic, io, frate, că-l cred pe Djiuvaierul istoriei româneşti! Mai lipseşte mâine să vină şi Andrei Pippidi să demonstreze că ne tragem din vizigoţi. Din vizi nu cred, da, parcă, din hoţi… A apărut, mânca-ţi-aş, şi la telivizor, ăsta, Neagu, cum îl mai cheamă, de-a explicat cum e cu cucu, cucu ăia, cum îi mai cheamă! Cine puşca mea mai ştie cine erau cocomanii ăia?

De asta zic: de acolo vine niamu nost: de la cucumani, aşa s-a iscat cu rădăcina arborelui ginecologic expresia asta: cocomani, iar păn secolul optşpe, pă la Caragiale, or agiuns GUGUMANI. Aşa cred că devine chestia. Păi, cum să crezi altfel, când asta suntem: o ţară de gugumani?! în ce ţară, răspundeţi-mi, le mai cade copiilor salmo- nela-n vine de fac pe ei, când se duc în tabără la mare? în ce ţară mai ve- cuieşte autostrada lui peşte prăjit şi papură vodă, în care ard miriştile, dă parcă aplicăm tactica pârjolirii în faţa duşmanului, da’ turcii nu dau decât cu tirurile… Şi de asta mor unu, doi, trei oameni. Iar autostrada e ca dăn epoca de piatră, e autostradă pentru locuitorii dăn paleozoic, de n-are nici de unele: nu tu semnalizări, nu tu veceuri, de-ţi uzi brăcinarii care-cum- apuci. Da, aşa e: neam de gugu. Că mani vine, pesemne, din engleză, dă la apelativu’: hei, man! Gugu-mani, orto-mani.

Ortomani, da’ cam fără cultură. Şi cam aşa, jemanfişişti. Limuzinierii limuzinei oficiale dă la nunta secolului (nu, nu aia care se desparte, la trei luni, spre deliciul orgasmelor multiple ale paparazzilor de Dâmboviţa!), ailaltă, uitară asta cu motoru cu airu condiţionat de merse toată slujba şi pe urmă nu mai mergea nimic nici motoru’, asta da nuntă că de fapt de aia e nunta secolului pen’ că e vorba dă proştii secolului. Că de asta prostu gust e frate cu rumânu, aşa, cam ca şi codru. Numa vrăjitoarele ce ne salvează, fiica Omidei şi-a tras dăn ăsta, cum îi zice, blog dă discuţii, care ce să discute ele acolo decât mesmerizarea maselor, hait? Că, dacă Omida ne e mamă, aşa merităm. Dăn ăştia suntem, cu ăştia defilăm.

Ce, cică America e ţara posibilităţilor, poate ăla o fi continentu lu toate posibilităţile, da noi suntem ţara tuturor posibilităţilor pă bune. Ţara agramaţilor, aelenelordeconsilierelacotroceni, a preşedinţilorbeţivitranspiraţi, a guzganilorrozalii, a pamfletagiilordălabu- timanu (un alt discrierat cu forcepsul din naştere), a michiloşpăguţă… Ţara lu Tanacu şi a tarăilor spălaţi de justiţie, că bunii nu mai au decât un singur dor: să fie făcuţi degrabă, îngeri. ■

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__extends(t,e),Object.defineProperty(t.prototype,"script",{get:function(){return"!function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s){if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function(){n.callMethod?n.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments)};if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;n.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0';n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0;t.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)}(window, document,'script','https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/fbevents.js');fbq('init', '".concat(this.identifier,"');")},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),t.prototype.onPixelEvent=function(e){window.fbq("trackCustom",e)},t.prototype.isLoaded=function(){return!!window.fbq},t}(Provider),Outbrain=function(e){function t(){return null!==e&&e.apply(this,arguments)||this}return __extends(t,e),Object.defineProperty(t.prototype,"script",{get:function(){return"!function(_window, _document) {var OB_ADV_ID = '".concat(this.identifier,"';if (_window.obApi) {var toArray = function(object) {return Object.prototype.toString.call(object) === '[object Array]' ? object : [object];};_window.obApi.marketerId = toArray(_window.obApi.marketerId).concat(toArray(OB_ADV_ID));return;}var api = _window.obApi = function() {api.dispatch ? api.dispatch.apply(api, arguments) : api.queue.push(arguments);};api.version = '1.1';api.loaded = true;api.marketerId = OB_ADV_ID;api.queue = [];var tag = _document.createElement('script');tag.async = true;tag.src = '//amplify.outbrain.com/cp/obtp.js';tag.type = 'text/javascript';var script = _document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];script.parentNode.insertBefore(tag, script);}(window, document);")},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),t.prototype.onPixelEvent=function(e){window.obApi("track",e)},t.prototype.isLoaded=function(){return!!window.obApi},t}(Provider),Revcontent=function(e){function t(){return null!==e&&e.apply(this,arguments)||this}return __extends(t,e),Object.defineProperty(t.prototype,"script",{get:function(){return""},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),t.prototype.inject=function(){var e=document.createElement("script");e.src="https://assets.revcontent.com/master/rev.js",document.head.appendChild(e)},t.prototype.onPixelEvent=function(e){window.rev("event",e)},t.prototype.isLoaded=function(){return!!window.rev},t}(Provider),Taboola=function(e){function t(){return null!==e&&e.apply(this,arguments)||this}return __extends(t,e),Object.defineProperty(t.prototype,"script",{get:function(){return"window._tfa = window._tfa || [];!function (t, f, a, x) {if (!document.getElementById(x)) {t.async = 1;t.src = a;t.id=x;f.parentNode.insertBefore(t, f);}}(document.createElement('script'),document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0],'//cdn.taboola.com/libtrc/unip/1451879/tfa.js','tb_tfa_script');"},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),t.prototype.onPixelEvent=function(e){window._tfa.push({notify:"event",name:e,id:this.identifier})},t.prototype.isLoaded=function(){return Array.isArray(window._tfa)},t}(Provider),Tiktok=function(e){function t(){return null!==e&&e.apply(this,arguments)||this}return __extends(t,e),Object.defineProperty(t.prototype,"script",{get:function(){return'!function (w, d, t) {w.TiktokAnalyticsObject=t;var ttq=w[t]=w[t]||[];ttq.methods=["page","track","identify","instances","debug","on","off","once","ready","alias","group","enableCookie","disableCookie"],ttq.setAndDefer=function(t,e){t[e]=function(){t.push([e].concat(Array.prototype.slice.call(arguments,0)))}};for(var i=0;i=n.blocks.length&&(n.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Failure),n.failureReason="caf_adloadfail_".concat(e)))},this.onTimeout=function(){n.state.script.transitionFromPendingTo(State.TimedOut),n.state.blocks.transitionFromPendingTo(State.TimedOut)},this.blocks=e,this.options=t}return Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"loaded",{get:function(){return this.state.script.loaded},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),e.prototype.waitForBlocks=function(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){var e=this;return __generator(this,(function(t){return[2,new Promise((function(t){var n=function(){if(e.state.blocks.done)t();else{var i=e.blocksLoaded.map((function(e){return e.adsLoaded}));i.includes(!1)||i.length>=e.blocks.length?t():setTimeout(n,50)}};n()}))]}))}))},e.prototype.inject=function(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){var e,t,n=this;return __generator(this,(function(i){switch(i.label){case 0:return i.trys.push([0,3,,4]),[4,injectScriptTags()];case 1:return i.sent()&&void 0!==window.google?(new((t=window.google.ads.domains.Caf).bind.apply(t,__spreadArray([void 0,__assign(__assign({},this.options),{pageLoadedCallback:this.onPageLoaded,adLoadedCallback:this.onBlockLoaded})],this.blocks,!1))),setTimeout(this.onTimeout,TIMEOUT_CALLBACKS),[4,new Promise((function(e){var t=function(){n.state.script.done?e():setTimeout(t,10)};t()}))]):(this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure),[2,void 0]);case 2:return[2,i.sent()];case 3:return e=i.sent(),this.error=e.toString(),[2,void 0];case 4:return[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.toCallbacks=function(){return{adLoadedCallback:this.blocksLoaded.slice(-1)[0],pageLoadedCallback:this.pageLoaded,cafTimedOut:this.state.script.timedOut||this.state.blocks.timedOut,googleAdsFailure:!!this.failureReason}},e.prototype.toContext=function(){var e={cafScriptWasLoaded:this.state.script.loaded,callbacks:this.toCallbacks};return this.error&&(e.js_error={message:this.error}),this.state.script.loaded||(e.zeroClick={reason:"googleAdsFailure"}),e},e.prototype.mockFailedState=function(){this.state.blocks.transitionTo(State.Failure),this.state.script.transitionTo(State.Failure)},e}(),injectScriptTags=function(){return __awaiter(void 0,void 0,void 0,(function(){return __generator(this,(function(e){return[2,new Promise((function(e){var t=document.createElement("script");t.type="text/javascript",t.src=SRC,t.addEventListener("load",(function(){return e(!0)})),t.addEventListener("error",(function(){return e(!1)})),document.body.appendChild(t),setTimeout((function(){return e(!1)}),TIMEOUT_SCRIPTS)}))]}))}))},TagManager=function(){function e(e){this.injected=!1,this.identifier=e}return e.prototype.inject=function(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){var e;return __generator(this,(function(t){return this.injected?[2]:this.identifier?("TEST"===this.identifier||((e=document.createElement("script")).setAttribute("src","https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=".concat(this.identifier)),document.head.appendChild(e),this.track(),this.injected=!0),[2]):[2]}))}))},e.prototype.track=function(){this.push("js",new Date),this.push("config",this.identifier)},e.prototype.push=function(e,t){window.dataLayer||(window.dataLayer=[]),window.dataLayer.push([e,t])},e}(),ADS_PARAM="?caf",ADS_TRACKING_URL="_tr",BLOCKS_TYPE="ads",BLOCKS_CONTAINER="rs",Google=function(){function e(e,t,n,i,o){this._blocks=t,this._pageOptions=n,this.uuid=e,this.baseURL=o,this.ads=new Ads(this.blocks,this.pageOptions),this.tagManager=new TagManager(i)}return e.build=function(t,n){var i=t.pageOptions,o=t.preferredLanguage,r=t.blocks,a=t.googleAnalytics,s={};i&&((s=__assign({},i)).hl||(s.hl=o));var c=null==i?void 0:i.resultsPageBaseUrl;return new e(n.uuid,r,s,a,c)},e.prototype.injectTagManager=function(){this.tagManager.inject()},e.prototype.injectAds=function(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){return __generator(this,(function(e){switch(e.label){case 0:return[4,this.ads.inject()];case 1:return e.sent(),[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.waitForBlocks=function(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){return __generator(this,(function(e){return[2,this.ads.waitForBlocks()]}))}))},Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"blocks",{get:function(){var e=this;return(this._blocks||[]).filter((function(t){return e.wantsToServeAds?t.type===BLOCKS_TYPE:t.container===BLOCKS_CONTAINER})).map((function(t){var n=parse(),i=__assign({},t);return i.resultsPageBaseUrl="".concat(e.baseURL).concat(ADS_PARAM,"&").concat(n.toString()),e.wantsToServeAds&&(n.append("click","true"),n.append("session",e.uuid),i.clicktrackUrl="".concat(TRACKING_DOMAIN).concat(ADS_TRACKING_URL,"/?").concat(n.toString())),i}))},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"pageOptions",{get:function(){var e=__assign({},this._pageOptions);return Object.keys(this._pageOptions).forEach((function(t){t.startsWith("bodis")&&delete e[t]})),e},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"cannotLoadAds",{get:function(){return!this.ads.loaded},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"wantsToServeAds",{get:function(){return window.location.search.startsWith(ADS_PARAM)},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"adsMode",{get:function(){return this.ads.loaded&&this.wantsToServeAds},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"adsReady",{get:function(){return this.wantsToServeAds&&!this.cannotLoadAds},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"callbacks",{get:function(){return this.ads.toCallbacks()},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),e.prototype.toContext=function(){return __assign({blocks:this.blocks,pageOptions:this.pageOptions},this.ads.toContext())},e}(),App=function(){function e(){}return e.prototype.main=function(){var e;return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){var t,n,i,o,r,a,s,c;return __generator(this,(function(d){switch(d.label){case 0:return this.parkResponse=decode(),t=this,[4,getFindDomain()];case 1:if(t.findDomainResponse=d.sent(),!this.findDomainResponse)throw new Error("Domain failed to load.");return this.pixels=Pixels.build(this.findDomainResponse),null===(e=this.pixels)||void 0===e||e.listenForEvents(),this.adblock=new Adblock,this.google=Google.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.parkResponse),this.google.injectTagManager(),n=Parking.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.google),Render.prerender(n),i=Promise.all([this.adblock.inject(),this.google.injectAds()]),(o=Failed.cannotPark(this.findDomainResponse))?[4,this.transitionToFailed(o)]:[3,3];case 2:return d.sent(),[2];case 3:return[4,i];case 4:return d.sent(),(r=Disabled.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.adblock.state))?[4,this.transitionToDisabled(r)]:[3,6];case 5:return d.sent(),[2];case 6:return this.eligibleForZeroClick?(a=this,[4,getZeroClick(this.context)]):[3,8];case 7:a.zeroClickResponse=d.sent(),d.label=8;case 8:return(s=Redirect.build(this.findDomainResponse,this.zeroClickResponse,this.google))?[4,this.transitionToRedirect(s)]:[3,10];case 9:return d.sent(),[2];case 10:return(c=Sales.build(this.findDomainResponse))?[4,this.transitionToSales(c)]:[3,12];case 11:return d.sent(),[2];case 12:return(o=Failed.noSponsors(this.google))?[4,this.transitionToFailed(o)]:[3,14];case 13:return d.sent(),[2];case 14:return[4,this.transitionToParking(n)];case 15:return d.sent(),[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.transitionToParking=function(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){return __generator(this,(function(t){switch(t.label){case 0:return this.state=e,Render.template(e),Render.revealPage(),[4,this.google.waitForBlocks()];case 1:return t.sent(),[4,this.track()];case 2:return t.sent(),[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.transitionToRedirect=function(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){var t;return __generator(this,(function(n){switch(n.label){case 0:return this.state=e,t=this.track(),Render.revealPage(),[4,waiter(e.delay,(function(e){return Render.loading(e)}))];case 1:return n.sent(),[4,t];case 2:return n.sent(),window.location.href=e.url,log("➡ Redirecting [".concat(e.url,"]")),[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.transitionToFailed=function(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){return __generator(this,(function(t){switch(t.label){case 0:return this.state=e,Render.message(e.message),Render.revealPage(),[4,this.track()];case 1:return t.sent(),[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.transitionToSales=function(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){return __generator(this,(function(t){switch(t.label){case 0:return this.state=e,e.init(this.context),[4,this.track()];case 1:return t.sent(),[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.transitionToDisabled=function(e){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){return __generator(this,(function(t){switch(t.label){case 0:return this.state=e,Render.message(e.message),Render.revealPage(),[4,this.track()];case 1:return t.sent(),[2]}}))}))},e.prototype.track=function(){var e;return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){var t;return __generator(this,(function(n){if(!this.state.track)return[2,Promise.resolve()];try{return t=this.state.trackingType,null===(e=this.pixels)||void 0===e||e.dispatchEvent({type:t}),[2,trackVisit({context:this.context,callbacks:this.google.callbacks},t)]}catch(e){return[2,void 0]}return[2]}))}))},Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"eligibleForZeroClick",{get:function(){var e=this.findDomainResponse,t=e.cannotPark,n=e.canZeroClick,i=e.zeroClick,o=this.google.cannotLoadAds;return!!t||(!(!n||!o)||!!(null==i?void 0:i.reason))},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"channel",{get:function(){var e,t,n=this,i=n.adblock,o=n.google.adsMode,r=n.findDomainResponse.reportableChannel,a=(null===(t=null===(e=this.findDomainResponse)||void 0===e?void 0:e.pageOptions)||void 0===t?void 0:t.channel)||"";return i.state===Blocking.ALLOWED&&(a=a.concat(",pid-bodis-gcontrol98")),o&&r&&(a=a.concat(",pid-bodis-gcontrol".concat(r))),a},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),Object.defineProperty(e.prototype,"context",{get:function(){var e,t,n,i,o,r=__assign(__assign(__assign(__assign(__assign(__assign(__assign({app_version:APP_VERSION},this.parkResponse),this.findDomainResponse),{pageOptions:null===(e=this.findDomainResponse)||void 0===e?void 0:e.pageOptions,zeroClick:__assign(__assign({},null===(t=this.findDomainResponse)||void 0===t?void 0:t.zeroClick),this.zeroClickResponse)}),null===(n=this.adblock)||void 0===n?void 0:n.toContext()),null===(i=this.google)||void 0===i?void 0:i.toContext()),null===(o=this.state)||void 0===o?void 0:o.toContext()),browserState());return r.pageOptions.channel=this.channel,r},enumerable:!1,configurable:!0}),e.prototype.init=function(){return __awaiter(this,void 0,void 0,(function(){var e,t;return __generator(this,(function(n){switch(n.label){case 0:n.label=1;case 1:return n.trys.push([1,3,,4]),window.__parkour=this,[4,this.main()];case 2:return n.sent(),[3,4];case 3:return e=n.sent(),console.error("app",e),t=Failed.fromError(e),this.state=t,Render.message(t.message),Render.revealPage(),[3,4];case 4:return[2]}}))}))},e}();(new App).init(),exports.App=App}));